We'll just go ahead and call this one "Issues"
"I’ll start going to the gym… after I lose 15 pounds.”
Those words have come out of my mouth more times than I care to admit.
And that is one of the reasons I have failed so many times at losing weight. Because I have cared more about what other people think than I have cared about MYSELF.
I’ve always been very worried about what other people think about the size of my buttocks, especially at the gym. All of those fit people, with their firm asses and toned arms. I feel like some kind of circus freak with my jiggly behind and flappy arms.
In the past, I would avoid that place like the plaque.
And when I finally did get the nerve to go? I would make sure to cover every piece of flesh on my body.
Baggy sweats. Long sleaved tees. Sweatshirts around the waist. A bag over my face.
Ok, I’m lying about the bag, but I swear to God, I would have done it if I didn’t think I would die from the lack of oxygen.
I joined an all woman gym when I was pregnant with Gabby in 2004 in the hopes that it would help with my “gym insecurity issues” but, strangely, I felt MORE intimated amongst all women. I only went a few times after joining, then, I let the “issues” win and stopped going all together.
I do believe that the way my mind works is pretty far from “the norm” in most ways. But, I also believe that there are a lot of women who are afraid to go to the gym because they are overweight. I believe they feel intimated, and are scared they would feel out of place or “look silly” trying to figure out the machines.
Or maybe it is just me. Because I? Am pretty damn paranoid.
At some point in this weight loss journey, I had to think long and hard about how this way of thinking was hindering my weight loss progress.
The WHOLE POINT OF GOING TO A GYM IS TO LOSE THIS FAT THAT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND SO UNHEALTHY.
Caring about “other people” is a waste of time. It is also unhealthy because it hinders me from doing what I need to do to lose this weight. All of my hang ups about “how I looked on the machines” or “what is that dude thinking when he sees me struggling to lift a 5 pound weight?” were keeping me fat. And seriously? The dude lifting weights doesn’t give a CRAP about me. He’s too worried about his pretty muscles.
I can only imagine how RIDICULOUS this must sound. Because it is ridiculous. But? Get used to it people. I have so many “issues” when it comes to weight. I am working so hard to change my way of thinking, to rid myself the hang ups and insecurities and, hopefully, to come to peace with all of this. Writing it out is one of the ways I work through it. I hope you can understand that and not judge me for The Insanity.
I’m glad that I finally understand that this isn’t about anyone else, that this is about MY health. So what if my ass jiggles whilst I’m bouncing up and down the stair machine? At least I’m there, trying to lose the jiggle. It’s still not easy for me, I still feel very out of place when I’m on the stairmaster next to The Girl With The Buns of Steet, but now, instead of running and hiding in shame, I work out even harder and tell myself things like “So what if I could bounce a penny off her ass? I bet at some point in time, her buns looked JUST LIKE MINE and if I stay here and finish this, one day, I too, will have those buns.”